Vincent's thoughts season 2
by LadyCorven
Summary: The rewritten story about Vincent's thoughts. How I interpret his thoughts and actions this season. So many people have judged him this season, and in my opinion, many times in a very unfair way. So this story is to shed some light on his actions. Please review! DISCLAIMER: I don't own Beauty and the Beast.
1. Chapter 1

**So finally, here it is. My rewritten story about Vincent's thoughts. It's all from Vincent's POV. How I interpret his behavior this season.**

**Thanks to all that reviewed my first version. I do appreciate your comments very much. I hope you are not too disappointed in me, taking that story down. But it didn't feel right. I hope you will like my new take. Please review!**

I'm so confused. Today must be the strangest day I have ever had. Here I am, lying on a bed, with the most beautiful, petite brunette in my arms. I don't know who she is, but it feels so right with her in my arms. How did I end up here?

This morning I woke up, full of energy. Today I would finish my mission to kill Li Zhao. I had planned it for a while, set everything up. So I let myself get captured, and brought to an abandoned warehouse, where I was tied up in handcuffs made of alloy steel and titanium. And the plan worked. Li Zhao arrived, looked at me, teasing me for being tied up, telling me he had made me. That he knew what powers I possessed. Telling me how FBI had come to him, asking him to create a super soldier. Creating me. He was all snug and victorious.

He was wrong. I broke free and killed his guards, and I almost had him. And then this woman suddenly cried out my name. And I couldn't focus on Li Zhao. I had to turn and look at her. But I didn't know her. That distraction was enough for Li, and he got away, and I threw a can after his car in frustration over being disturbed like that. I started running for the woman, to kill her for what she did, but suddenly I felt a sting. A tranqdart had hit me. So I turned to catch whoever shot me, and I was hit with another dart. I dodged, trying to get to them from another angle, and I was hit by a third dart, and I had to cave in. That woman ran up to me, all relieved saying things that made no sense: Vincent, thank god I found you, I never stopped looking for you. And all I could say was: Who are you? And then everything went black.

When I came to, they had moved me to a place I didn't recognize. This smoking hot brunette looked at me, and helped me back on the sofa, when the dizziness made me almost fall. And she asked if I remembered her. And I had to say no. Then she pointed at a man that stood beside her and asked if I knew who he was. So I said: Your husband? And they looked very strangely at each other, almost shaking their heads. I told them they must have mixed me up with someone else. I couldn't stop myself from telling her that I thought she was smoking hot though…

I got up, and tried to make it for the door when the man showed me a photo. He told me it was taken 11 years ago, and it was me and him on it. He told me we had been friends very long. But I don't remember him at all. Then the woman, Catherine had to go, and the man JT promised her that he would make sure I stayed. Like he could make such a promise…

I had a look around the place and asked him about it. A bit strange to have a room full of small safe boxes. He told me that the house used to be a Gentlemen's club, and had been abandoned for many years, and when he, and apparently I, at that time needed a new place to live, we just moved in. I didn't really like the sound of that, and JT was clearly uncomfortable at my stare. Then his phone went off, and it sounded like someone had dialed the wrong number. Until he said: Condor, no there's no Condor here. Condor, that's me. So I had to leave. JT tried to stop me, threatening to tranq me again. But I just smiled, and with my super-speed I just took the gun from his hand, and shot him with a tranq instead. And then I left.

I had to go back to my boathouse and call my handler and give a report over the situation. I told him that I was interrupted by a woman, but that I was still going to kill Zhao, as requested. He seemed to be satisfied with that statement. I had to go back to the warehouse, in order to pick up Zhaos trail. It was easy, and I started to follow his tracks. It led me downtown. There are a lot of noises, but I had no problem following his tracks. Suddenly I was distracted again. From somewhere behind me there was a heartbeat that caught my attention. I don't know where it came from, or whose heartbeat it was, so I just shook it off and continued to track Zhao. I found the building where he was, and went upstairs. There I had to kill his guards, and I finally stood face to face with him again. And he yelled at me, asking who I was working for. I just snarled at him, ready to move in for the kill. And then I hear Catherine calling my name. What was she doing here? Her voice sounded like she was choking. I tried to disregard her, and go after Zhao again, but she silently cried my name out, coughing, and I just couldn't leave her like that. I had to do something. I don't understand why, I just had to. And then I saw that the fire was spreading towards some gas tubes, so I just grabbed her, and jumped out of the window with her in my arms. When we landed I thought she would be terrified, I had just jumped an 8 story building and she just smiled at me. Telling me that this is how we met. I just stared at her. She told me that the first time we met, I saved her life.

She made me take her home, I had a wound on my neck that she wanted to attend to. Not that it was necessary, but I was intrigued by her. She told me to sit down, and I tried to refuse, but to no avail. She cleaned the wound and told me that I used to have self-healing abilities. And then she said something about us getting to fall in love with each other all over again. I told her I was sorry that I couldn't remember anything, and she asked me if I believed her, about us, and somehow I do. Her reaction to me, and what I did wouldn't make sense unless she was telling me the truth.

Then she started to ask me a lot of questions about what I do, and I told her I can't answer those questions. She got up and to the kitchen, and then she turned back to me, almost crying, asking why they couldn't leave me alone, why they couldn't stop hurting me, stop hurting us. I couldn't answer that. She said she would help me catch Zhao, but not tonight. She made me promise that I would stay with her tonight. She was standing so close to me, and I just couldn't help myself. I had to lean in and kiss her. Her lips simply demanded me to do it. And it felt so good. And I wanted to kiss her again when her phone received an sms. She looked at it, and suddenly she started crying. She walked into my arms, hugging me and telling me she had lost so much. That she couldn't stand loosing me again.

That's how I ended up on her bed. We've only been lying here, close together, and she is asleep now. I will have to go. I have a mission to complete.


	2. Chapter 2

**This chapter has a lot more details about how I believe Vincent was thinking. The first episode didn't really hide that much, but the second episode did. Enjoy, and please review. And I do appreciate all reviews, also the negative ones. **

**But I would like to be able to respond to them, so please be logged in when reviewing. **

_**mel **__**Vincent's thoughts season 2**__**, Chapter 1, Yesterday 6:37PM**_

_**I think this wasn't very profound. You didn't say anything that it wasn't in the screen. Vincent's confusion is more than this. Sorry, didn't like it.**_

**Thanks you for your review. I'm trying to give my view, and as you are saying that I didn't say anything that wasn't on the screen I guess you and I share the same view about how Vincent is thinking. However, judging from a lot of comments all over the forums and FB, not all share this view, and my story is aimed at those who, in my opinion, doesn't realize what Vincent is going through. If you read this chapter, I hope it is a little more satisfying for you.**

**Ok, on with the story:**

What is happening to me? I can't believe what I just did. I hurt Catherine. Not much, I just shoved her to the floor on her rooftop. But I hurt her.

I left her apartment in the very early morning, looking for Zhao. And he wasn't hard to track. I found him in Central Park of all places. I knew he was a mad scientist, but I never thought he would be so reckless. What was he thinking? Anyway it made my work easy, and I killed him. Finally revenging him for what he did to me. It felt good.

I called my handler and told him the good news. And he gave me go on my next assignment. I've been working on it for a while, I need to be ahead of my target for these missions, to know what I'm up against. This time it's a beast that works for Carlos Hernandez. My handler didn't know how I could find the beast, but we came up with a plan. I will go to Rikers, where Hernandez is imprisoned, and I will shoot him with a drug, so they will take him to the medical ward. There I will enter, using a fake ID, and get the information out of him.

The plan seemed alright, but as I had so little intel, I've had to try and figure out what the beast might be up to. Looking at Hernandez history, I thought that he might be going after Hernandez biggest rival, Garolo. As I was trying to figure out in what way he could do that, I thought that maybe through his niece, they were in the papers not long ago, so I created an account on the dating site, where I found his niece, Gina Garolo. I started talking to her, and we got to know each other. This might come in handy later.

Once I had done all the preparations I could do, my head started spinning. Spinning around what happened last night. It was almost surreal, and this morning I started to look at what happened with a little more suspicion. Could she be telling the truth? Her reaction towards me certainly suggests that she is, but I can't recall anything of what she told me, and she has no pictures of us, or anything else that could prove that she is telling the truth. Kissing her, and having her sleep in my arms felt nice, comfortable, but it didn't trigger any memories. Shouldn't my body remember her at least? I should just forget her. I have no time for a woman, and my handler would definitely not like it.

But somehow I just couldn't let her go, so I took a walk, planning to go to her. On my way there I saw her in the streets. I stayed away, just watching what she was doing, and she was asking people if they had seen me. Why would she do that? So I followed her, keeping a safe distance. She went home, and now her actions were even more strange. She took a picnic basket from her hall, and brought it up on the roof top. So I went up there. She stood at the edge of the roof, with a longing stare in her eyes. I made my presence known by saying Hi.

She turned around, and a small smile came to her face. She asked if I remembered her roof top, but I told her I just saw her get up there. She said that she had been looking for me everywhere, and I told her I knew that. I asked her why she had been asking around for me, and she said she wanted to bring me up on the roof, because we used to have a picnic there? That sounded totally ridiculous to me. She told me that if it didn't trigger any memories, then at least she had brought my favorite sandwich. The whole situation was surreal. And then she pointed at the fact that I had showered and changed clothes. As if I didn't do that before? Then she started asking about Zhao, why I had sneaked out of her bed to go and kill him. She claimed we had agreed to do it her way, but I never agreed to anything. She kept pushing me. Why couldn't she just stop? Why couldn't she listen to and respect me when I told her I can't answer those questions? So I got angry, and jumped off the roof.

I took my gear, that I had stashed behind a dumpster behind her house, and jumped into a cab going to Rikers. I was still angry with Catherine, why couldn't she just stop? Was she totally unable to sense my confusion? That I would need time to understand what she was telling me about who I used to be? I had no clue how to live the way she tried to convince me that we had been living. I remember nothing of that. I only know that I'm supposed to rid the world of beasts. That's my purpose, and I didn't need any distraction from that.

I arrived at Rikers, and using my fake ID I had no problems getting past the guards. I went up on the roof as planned, and managed to get the dart in Hernandez's neck. Then I quickly changed into the doctors robe, and went to the ward. I had no problem convincing the staff that I was a doctor. Somehow giving those medical orders seemed familiar. I managed to get all staff away from Hernandez, so I could get the information I wanted from him, and I had been right. The beast was going after Gina. It feels good to be right. And it also feels good when things develop according to plan. I left the ward, to head home, when I saw Catherine outside the gates. What was she doing there?

My anger rose again, she had no business following me around like this. I snuck up on her, and I heard her talking to someone on the phone, something about tracking me down. What right does she have to do that? So I put my hand over her mouth, and caught her arms, asking why she was following me. She said she wanted to help me. Like I need her help? I suddenly realized that her being there gave me a car to get out of there, and I pressed the pressure-point in her neck, to make her unconscious. I put her in the car, and drove to my houseboat. I can't explain why I brought her with me, I just felt I had to.

As we got there, I carried her aboard, and tied her to a chair, blindfolding her. I'm not really sure why I blindfolded her, but it felt necessary. Then I got back to work, I had to connect with Gina, to find out what she was doing, to see if anything would offer a chance for the beast to get to her. And there sure was. She was planning to go to a club with her friends this evening, celebrating midterms, and I realized that such an event would be an ideal chance for the beast to make a move.

Meanwhile Catherine started to come to, and I could hear her heart racing. She was nervous, and she started to call out to me. I didn't answer, until she started talking about her phone. So I told her I made sure they wouldn't find it. I admitted to her that I felt confused about what she had told me about us, that the fact she had no proof whatsoever made me suspicious that she might be lying. And she started to question me again. What's wrong with her? She knows what I'm capable of, and yet she keeps bugging me? So I told her that I was the one asking the questions, and guess what? She didn't give up. And she asked me to remove the blindfold and look at her, as she knew I could tell if she was lying. Yet another thing that could suggest she was telling the truth. I removed the blindfold, and looked into her eyes and yes, she was telling the truth. I told her to be quiet, I had to go on with my work.

I got back to my chat with Gina, and I invited myself to the club, telling her I'd like to meet her. We agreed to meet a 9. Finished with the planning, I could concentrate on Catherine again. She started talking, and when I looked at her, I realized she was suffering from motion sickness. So I offered her some water. She made me take free her, as she told me acupressure had helped before, so I took her hand and found the spot and she was relieved. I couldn't help a warm feeling inside of me, when I looked at her. What is this power she has over me? Why do I keep coming back to her? I felt that I had to explain myself to her. That I couldn't help myself, that I somehow had felt I had to see her, and that's why I went after her today. I told her about this strange pull she has on me. And we started talking, and I asked her what my favorite sandwich was. and she told me it was avocado and turkey. I'm starting to see a pattern here. Once again she was right. I offered her something to eat. While I was making the sandwich, I asked her about our first date. And she told me we didn't go on dates, because I was hiding from Muirfield, and was afraid of losing control of the beast. I didn't sound like a very interesting boyfriend… Then she told me that I had tried to push her away. But she didn't listen to me. Now that sounded familiar. But she said I did it because I cared, not because I really wanted her to stay away. That somehow hit me right in the heart. I looked at her, and I told her that I was sure I didn't want her to stay away. Looking at her, I once again felt this urge to kiss her. She told me about our first kiss, that it happened on the roof top, and now that picnic thing didn't sound so strange to me anymore. I leaned in and kissed her. Man that felt so good. And she asked me if it triggered anything, but it didn't. So she kissed me again. Deeper this time, and my body started to react to this perfect little woman. I could sense that she felt the same, and when I told her it still didn't trigger anything, she huskily told me that we did more than kiss.

That was my cue. I don't remember making love to anyone, but my body did. I kissed her with all my passion and she kissed me back just as passionately. Starting a fire. We went upstairs to my bed, tangled together, and we made love. And it felt like we had always done it. There was no hesitation, once we started, we couldn't stop. I knew exactly what she wanted, and she knew what I wanted. It was so perfect.

Afterwards we talked, and she looked a little sad, so I asked her what it was, and she was wondering if it had triggered anything. I shook my head, and then I leaned in and whispered, maybe if we did it again? Oh, I wanted to do it again. I don't remember feeling that good ever. Then my alarm went off. I had to return to reality. I looked at Catherine, and I really wanted to stay in bed with her. Heck, I could stay in bed with her forever, but duty called.

So I went downstairs again, and she started whining about that I couldn't remember. That what we did should have triggered something. Like I'm able to command my memory? She was starting to annoy me again, and I told her that maybe it's better that way. She got dressed and came downstairs, and I held out my hand and she took it. I pulled her around the table, tying her to the chair again, and she was mad. Disappointed I guess, but I had to do it. I didn't want her to mess with my plans, and I felt that I had to protect her.

Again this strange feeling around her. Why couldn't I just stop caring about her? She is whiny, demanding and keeps pushing me with questions I told her not to ask. She doesn't really pay any attention to my wishes. And yet I feel I have to protect her. It doesn't make sense. I honestly would have killed anyone else doing the same to me. But could I kill Catherine? No I had this inner urge to protect her.

I shock off that feeling and left the boathouse. I felt confident that she was safe there. No one knew where she was, and I could take care of my mission, without being distracted by her. Once I was done with the mission, I would go back and continue talking to her.

I went to the club, it was crowded with people, and it took me quite a while to find Gina. I started talking to her, and I felt that I had to get her away from the crowd, so I asked if we could go somewhere we could talk. She looked a little shy, but took my hand and followed me to the VIP-lounge. Once we got in there, I suddenly hear that heartbeat again. The heartbeat I heard when I was tracking Zhao, and I realized that it must be Catherine's heartbeat. What the !¤#! was she doing here? Could she never leave me alone? And how did she get out of my houseboat? I told Gina to stay put, That I would be back in a sec, and went after Catherine. Her heartbeat was easy to track, and I confronted her. Told her she was like a dog with a bone, possessive, and that I wasn't her boyfriend. She accused me of wanting to kill Gina. Where did she get that idea? I didn't tell her the exact nature of my mission her, but I told her I was protecting Gina, not trying to kill her. I left her in the crowd, and went back to the VIP-lounge.

And now things started to go wrong. When I came down the stairs that other guy who was a the warehouse, when they tranqued me, was there, and he just told the beast to take Gina down the back stairs. I tried to follow them, but he got in my way, so I just grabbed him, and threw him across the room, dashing after Gina and the beast. When I came downstairs, the beast held her by her throat, meaning to strangle her, but I managed to punch him away before he succeeded. I told Gina to run away, and I got into a fight with the beast. He put up a good fight, and then he broke a pipe from the wall, trying to nail me with it, but I managed to get it from him, and used it to kill him instead. I felt Catherine's presence, and I turned around to see her standing there, looking horrified at the dead beast. I just snarled at her, picked up the beast and I left, as I heard someone else coming down the stairs.

I took care of the beast, making sure no one would find him, and then my mind started racing again. I really don't know what to do about Catherine. I feel so torn. Making a pros and cons list, there is a lot on the cons side, but hardly anything on the pros. And yet I had to see her again. At least to return her phone that I still had in my pocket.

So I went to her place, but she wasn't home yet. So I put a note on her door and went up on the roof to wait for her. And she came. And once again I was confused. She almost looked happy. Considering my actions today, she didn't have all that much to look happy about, and yet she did. She told me that I used to leave her notes. Ok, so that could be a reason for her to look happy, but I had to let her down again. I didn't remember that either. She apologized for asking about my memories, and the she said something about me saving people, that's what I do. Do I? I kill beasts, that doesn't sound like saving to me. I apologized for tying her up, and returned her phone. She smiled, and told me that she forgave me, so I felt a little bold, and asked her If maybe we could have that picnic. She giggled and told me JT had ate it all. Now I'm confused again. Wasn't that picnic for me? Was she lying to me when she said she and JT was just friends? I don't know if she could sense my reaction, but she got a little nervous.

And suddenly I got nervous too. I felt out of control. I told her it was hard for me, that I shouldn't be there. And she started interrogating me? Once again pushing me with all her questions, almost like she was accusing me? What is wrong with her? Has she no sense at all about how torn and confused I am with all of this? Can't she give me time to process it all?

And she just kept going. Telling me she wanted to help me, but I told her I didn't need her help. But she claimed that I do. Because I have lost my memory. Once again pushing me. Like I was obliged to remember her. So I told her coldly that I didn't remember her. I just wanted to get away. But she followed me, stopped me, demanding that I had to let her in because of our history. I was starting to get very angry now, and I frankly told her, we had one night. And she got so mad. Telling me how much she had sacrificed for me. How am I supposed to know how much she sacrificed? I don't remember anything. I only know that she has been constantly interfering with my work, and never giving me any chance to process what she tells me, what she does to me. I turned away from her, intending to jump off the roof when she grabbed my arm. And I snapped. I just couldn't take the accusations any more, and the beast surfaced. And I shoved her across the roof. And for the first time I saw fear in her eyes. Terror. And I was shocked at my own behavior. I desperately wanted to undo what I just did. But that's impossible. So I just said I'm sorry and I jumped off the roof.

I'm disgusted with myself. How could I do such a thing? So much for my inner need to protect her. How could I violate her firm belief that she could trust me to never hurt her?

I must stay away from her from now on. I can't do this anymore. For her safety, I need to suppress my curiosity. I can't put her in danger again. I might hurt her again.


	3. Chapter 3

_**I'm going to change my approach to this story a bit. I won't be doing a full chapter recap, as I did in the first two chapters, but I will follow the timeline. This is because I suddenly understood where the writers are trying to take us, and how they plan to take us there. When I started this story, I was struggling a bit, because I didn't like the Tori arc, but now I have no problem handling that relation.**_

I honestly don't know how to connect with Catherine. When I woke up this morning, I was racked with guilt. I thought I had full control over my beast, but yesterday's event showed me that I don't have control. Yes, I was angry at Catherine as she kept interrogating me, but I never meant to hurt her. I tried to walk away, but when she grabbed my arm, the beast exploded. And I couldn't stop it. It happened too fast. And I feel so horrible about it.

I went to JT's place this morning, to see if he knew how she was, but apparently she hadn't told him about what I had done. So I told him. He looked a bit stunned, like he could never have imagined me doing anything like that. And even if I don't remember how I used to be, I can follow his thoughts.

He told me some things that Catherine and I had done in the past. How I wish I could remember. The hotel-pool sounded so nice. And I wonder what we did at the wedding. Did we dance? Were we lovers then?

I can't explain this strange pull she has on me. Why is it that I can't just forget about her? It's not like I need that kind of distraction in my life. I don't have time for it, and my handler doesn't appreciate it. And yet she fills my mind, all the time. She is so beautiful. And my mind keeps going back to when we made love. I felt so complete then. It was hot, and yet gentle. That moment was so magic. And I want to do it again. Hey wise guy, nice move shoving her across the roof. That will certainly make her come back to you!

I had to get back to work, and get her off my mind. Agent Tucker called me, and during our call I heard him getting killed. That certainly got my mind off Catherine for a while. He managed to send me an encrypted file before he did, but I didn't have time to decode it, I had to go to the crime scene to see if I could pick up any trail and I talked to the beast that killed Tucker, even if I never saw him.

I went back home, and I was surprised, but happy to see Catherine waiting when I came home. She was nervous and maybe also a little scared, I could sense that, but I was so happy and relieved that she came, so I didn't think that much about how she acted. How jumpy she was. I should have been more cautious. But I could only think about that we would meet later at her place. She was giving me a second chance. Or at least so I thought. I was wrong.

On my way over to her place my handler called me, and we talked for a while, when he suddenly realized that we had a security breach. I was convinced that it wasn't on my side, but he questioned that. But I couldn't really believe that Catherine would do that to me.

When I reached her place, she wasn't home. She came shortly after. I asked her what case she was working on, and she started to behave very strange. Evading my questions, and I could hear her heart race. She said it had to do with her finding out that her father wasn't her father, but I could sense that that wasn't her reason for her heart racing. My handler had been right. Catherine had searched my place when I was out. And I was stupid enough to think she came to see me. What a blue eyed fool I was. Why should she want to see me, after what I had done? I guess she just used it as an excuse for being at my place. I felt betrayed. My intentions had been pure. I really wanted to make it up to her, make amends. And she spied on me. Ok, I might not have trusted her enough to tell her about my work, but I never thought she would do something like this.

And the fact that she had been spying on me also made me worried. What if she found out my plans? Was she going to interfere with them? Mess up my plans? She could get hurt. And it doesn't matter that she betrayed me. I don't want her to get hurt. My job is extremely dangerous. I never really know what I'm up against. I had to find a way to keep her away.

I decided to take a walk down the deceiving lane she had chosen, by spying on me. I called her, pretending that I remembered the hotel pool, asking her to meet me there. She sounded so happy about me remembering this, and I felt bad. She wanted me to remember, so much, and I lied to her. But I felt I had to. I didn't want her to get hurt.

I knew she was there the moment she walked in. I didn't have to see her, I knew. Her heartbeat filled my body. Why is it that I can distinguish her heartbeat even in a crowded room? Again, this strange bond that we share. I wonder if she can sense me too? Maybe not hear my heartbeat, but somehow sense that I'm near? Does this bond go both ways?

I wasn't happy about her being there, and she came up to me, with an attitude, and forced me to dance with her. I didn't know I could dance, but it was a very nice feeling having her in my arms, even when we were fighting, like we were. It was like a silent war was going on, it looked nice on the surface, but was boiling underneath. And I managed to hurt her again. What's wrong with me? I want to protect her, but I always end up hurting her instead. She was convinced that I had lied to her, to get information about the case. But that wasn't what I wanted. I had the information I needed for the case. I just wanted to protect her. Why can't she see that?

And then suddenly we were working together. Her friends evacuated the place, leaving me to take care of Sebastian, the beast. And when she told me that she would take care of Sebastian's father, she didn't hesitate at all, she trusted me, that I would carry my part of the responsibility. She had no doubt about that. And it felt good that she at least trusted me with that. Maybe I should rethink my secrecy, maybe it was an unnecessary precaution? She may be small, but she is not a fragile little damsel in distress. She's a police detective, and knows how to defend herself.

Somehow Sebastian managed to knock me out, and I fell to the floor. Blacked out. Suddenly my head was filled with her heartbeat. Her racing heartbeat woke me from my unconsciousness, and I got up, following the sound to the elevator, where she was fighting with Sebastian. It was the first time I saw her fight, but she knew what she was doing.

I had to break the doors open, and I managed to throw Sebastian of the elevator, and he fell with his head down, into the adjacent shaft. Catherine was standing on the edge, not fully in balance, and she was almost falling off when I gripped her arm. As I slipped, and got a hold of her hand, I suddenly saw flashes of her. Flashes from a train tunnel where I sheltered her with my body, another flash of us sitting on her fire escape, and one of her lying on the ground, out in the woods, with a wound on her forehead, staring at me, but not with fear, more curiously.

I pulled her to safety, into my arms, giving her a quick hug, making sure she was ok, but I was still in beast form, and I jumped down to check is Sebastian had died or not. He had. Mission complete.

I went home, thinking over what had happened today. I thought about what I had done, and that once again I hurt her. Why can't I just stop hurting her? My intentions are good, but they never come out the way I intend. I had to see her. To tell her that I had started to remember. So I went to her house. I sat on the fire escape, and it felt familiar somehow, even if I don't remember it clearly. It felt like home.

I think she can sense me. I wasn't visible where I sat, and yet she knew I was there. But she was cold. She rejected me. Telling me she couldn't stand any more lies or any more betrayal. And I felt like she was betraying me. I came to tell her that I could trust her, because now I remembered her. Not all of her, but I knew her. I was happy to remember, and she just closed the window in my face and walked away. It felt like she had stabbed me. Yes I lied to her, trying to keep her out of harm's way, but she also lied, by breaking into my home, and stealing information from my PC.

But no matter what she did, I still want to get to know her. I have to. But I don't know how to connect.


	4. Chapter 4

I'm going out of my mind! How can Catherine so totally have gotten under my skin? I can't think straight, every single thought in my head circles around her. I can't fathom how she could just close the window on me. She has been stalking me, interfering with my work, trespassing my personal space, lied to me and when I finally start to remember her, she just shuts me out. Why? And what can I do, to make her change her mind?

How I wish I could remember my old self. Before I met Catherine, my life was so easy. My missions were clear, I didn't have to worry about anything else than being a good soldier. And then she stepped in, turning everything in my life upside down. And now I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want anymore. Vincent Keller, will you stop lying to yourself? You know what you want. Catherine. I want to protect her from all evil in the world. I want to make love to her. Oh, I do want to make love to her again…

And it doesn't help that my handler doesn't have any new mission for me. Loosing Agent Tucker was a big blow to our operation. He was the one that found the beasts I have to kill. Without him, we have to look ourselves, and my handler isn't giving me his intel. I'd better try to contact him to see if he has any new mission for me.

I went downstairs, and called my handler on the sat phone, and then I started to work out, while I spoke to him. I told him about my confusion, and no surprise, he started lecturing me that I should focus, and not let her distract me. So I rather harshly told him to give me a new damned mission so that I could focus, and then I hung up.

Suddenly that Gabe guy turned up at my houseboat. I don't know what it is about that man, but there is something that makes me want to rip his throat out. He gives me this slimy, crawly feeling. And what he told me didn't help on my desire to kill him. So he tried to kill me? He didn't tell me why, but at least he failed in his attempt. I wonder what it would feel like, killing him? I usually don't really reflect over the fact that I'm killing beasts, but I think that killing Gabe would feel good in some way. And that thought scared me a little. Is it really ok to feel good about killing someone? What is happening to me? Before I met Catherine, I had no second thoughts about killing. So why should it bother me now?

He told me that he knew of a beast, and then he came up with this totally ridiculous idea about flat-lining. I may not remember being a doctor, but what he said sounded just too crazy. He said that it was because he died while he was in beastmode that had made it possible for Catherine to save his human side with a defibrillator. That saved his life, and cured him from being a beast. He even offered to test it on me. Like as if I wanted to be cured as he calls it? What does he know about me and what I want? Well, I'll have to admit, he knows one thing I want. Catherine. But she doesn't want me.

He told me about the arsonist, being a beast, so I went after him head over heels. Not the wisest move I've made. Just rushing off like that, without the slightest idea about what I was up against. That's so reckless. But I couldn't help myself, I just had to do something, to get Catherine out of my head. I almost got myself killed instead. That guy was something special. I never encountered anyone as specialized as he was. The bright side of it was that Catherine entered my life again. I ended up in the hospital, and she and Gabe came to visit me. She truly is amazing, and I can feel how much she actually cares about me. And when she said that she wanted me in her life, but didn't know how to keep me there, I felt so happy. I'd do anything to keep her in my life. Considering how fast she has gotten me to this place, all she has told me about our history must be true. There's no way I could feel as much as I do for her, if she was lying.

And then all hell broke loose. Again. Some of the memories I'm getting back, I think I would rather be without. As I had attacked the arsonist while he was burning down a house, the arson investigators from the fire department wanted to interrogate me. Gabe and Catherine were there for support. One of the investigators was a young man, a very eager hothead. He demanded a lot of answers, but his mentor tried to cool him down. It seemed to work, until the mentor suddenly said something about the Keller boys. I looked at the uniform of the young hothead, and he had a nametag that stated Keller. Suddenly my head went into a total meltdown. I started to see flash after flash of old memories. Memories of my brothers, memories of when I tried to become a firefighter, and most of all, memories of this young hothead standing before me. It was my nephew! It totally overwhelmed me, and I started to lose control. It was a terrible feeling. Partly because of all the memories that started to come back, but also because I was losing control over my beast. I don't recall losing control like that ever before. Luckily Catherine and Gabe caught what was happening, and Gabe managed to get them out of my room. But I couldn't stop from transforming. It was too much for me to comprehend. Everything that is going on with Catherine, the arsonist almost killing me, and now getting all these memories of my family. The beast took control completely, and I jumped out through the window.

Once out on the street again, I started to cool down. The beast settled, and I could start thinking again. I won't say think straight, because there is absolutely nothing straight in my head right now. I was confused enough as it was, thinking about Catherine. And now this memory overload. It's such a mess in my head.

How am I supposed to be able to take care of the arsonist? I can't think. Everything just swirls around and around in my head. I wonder if the blows I've been taking to my head have anything to do with me beginning to remember? My first memories came back after Sebastian had knocked me out at the art gallery. And this time the arsonist had knocked me out. So maybe being knocked out triggers something? Seems like a pretty rough way to regain my memory though, if I have to get unconscious by blows to my head to regain them. Stop those thoughts! I need to focus on something else.

So I called my handler, and he had some more information for me. Seems like Gabe covered for my escape from the hospital, and my handler also had more information about the beast. My next move would have to be to find out where he was going to strike next time. So I went back to my houseboat to investigate possible houses. To my surprise Catherine was waiting there for me. She was so worried about me. And asked me about what I had remembered. She had asked Aaron about his family, so she knew he was my nephew. And I told her about what I had remembered, and it was almost a bit strange to find out that she didn't know I had tried to become a firefighter. I thought she knew everything about my past. We talked about what memories really are, and how they shape us, and I realized that she also has gaps in her memories, even if she isn't suffering from amnesia, like I am. Because of the news that her father wasn't her father, suddenly a piece of her history is missing too.

All that is going on around us must be just as confusing for her, as it is for me. And I can feel her care for me. How she worries about me and what I do. The thought of me getting hurt or killed terrifies her, I can sense that. Can she sense that my feelings for her are the same? That I worry that she might get hurt or killed? Can she feel how much I care about her? I want to tell her how I feel, but I'm scared to. My feeling for her scares me. They are so intense, and I have this urge to protect her. And I'm not sure she would welcome that. It's so hard, when you can't explain what you feel…

I wish I was better with words. There is so much I would like to tell her, but I just can't find the words for it. Tell her how she keeps me awake. How she makes me want to get out of the hands of my handler. I don't want to kill beasts. I want to be with Catherine. And I can't tell her the truth about what I'm doing, even if they have concluded that my work is in fact to kill beasts. And I can sense that Catherine isn't happy about my line of work. Not strange, she is a cop after all, it's her job to catch killers. Must be pretty strange to have a killer for a boyfriend. Ok, we haven't spoken about that, being boyfriend and girlfriend, not since I yelled at her that we weren't that. But I feel like her boyfriend, and I hope she thinks of me that way…

We decided to visit the arson investigators. A bit scary for me. Seeing Aaron again was overwhelming. Also the pictures of my brother on the wall. And what if Aaron recognized me? But he didn't. He took off on his own, wanting to catch the arsonist. We went after him, and outside the burning building, Catherine tried to stop me from going in. But I managed to convince her not to worry. The kiss I gave her filled me with a feeling that she did trust me. That felt good.

I managed to outsmart the arsonist. No one can say that I'm a slow learner. I had already found out that I needed something to divert the flames he was going to throw at me, and I found exactly what I needed. A set of steam pipes, and he played me straight in my hands, and I managed to overpower him. But I was interrupted by the signal from Aaron's firefighter suit. I had to let the arsonist go. I had to save Aaron. And while trying to find him, more memories broke through. But not just memories. Somehow William helped me find Aaron. I can't say how he did, but he did. And I carried Aaron outside, and laid him down on the ground. Once he caught his breath, he looked at me, very questioningly, and asked me who I was. How I wish I could have told him…

Catherine killed the arsonist, and that Gabe guy failed to resuscitate him. Not that that surprised me, the idea was totally ridiculous from the start. Good thing I wasn't the guinea pig there. There is just something about him that rubs me the wrong way.

Later that evening Catherine and I went to the Memorial of the towers. It was an extremely intense feeling to stand there. To feel the presence of my brothers. But also to share this moment with Catherine. So many memories and feelings have emerged today. It's both overwhelming and liberating.

It's a strange feeling to love someone as much as I love Catherine. As I only remember fragments of our history, it feels like my feelings are very strong, for a gorgeous woman that I feel like I hardly know. But my intention is to change that. I want to know her. All of her. Both her mind, and her body. That body, it drives me crazy. I want it so much. Vincent Keller, you stop that line of thinking right now! How am I supposed to sleep now… I need a cold shower. But tomorrow I will go to her, and I hope we can catch on were we left off tonight…


End file.
